anxiety

if there is such a thing as the language of violence, then i would love to learn how to speak and do it.. if this is the parameter in measuring the courage of a man, then i would be willing to perfect the same.. but that would also mean that i will be battling with myself and the principles i have adopted for the last 26 years of my life..

i've been on a lot of argumentation and debates but honestly, i have never punched a man or slapped any woman in my life.. never been in a fistfight.. ever.. i am a blue-balled-coward strand in the kingdom animalia, phylum vertebrata, class mammalia, order primates, family hominidae, genus homo, species homo sapiens.. now im beginning to hate myself.

it has always been my justification that a civilized man should not step down to the level of the "UN-"men.. the UNeducated, UNdignified.. UNcivilized.. UNworthy.. UNscrupulous or UNprincipled.. UN so on! lol. slowly, im beginning to realize that although part of my justification may be morally commendable, the whole thing can be so stressful especially when my it's-ok-i-forgive-you state of mind is disgusted beyond endurance..

i wanted to shout.. to punch someone.. or even curse for that matter.. even for the first time.. maybe, just maybe, it will help extract all my emotional anxiety.. all of it! and be able to breath.. and smile.. again..