promdi speaking...

di ko na aram kung anong gigibuon ko sa sadiri ko.. lately, ive been trying to convince myself that im perfectly fine.. showing everybody that i am happy and worry free.. dai po. siguro, su mga tawong aram buda midbid ako asin an buhay ko, mamamalisyahan ninda ini.. but as i see it, i guess i really am a great pretender.. the fact that no one seemed to notice it.. sige na lang ah!

kading mga nakalis na anruw, since bakasyon pa man, pirmi akong nasa sa luwasan.. tambay tambay sa kung sen man makapedtu. uru-anruw, pagakatapos na pagkatapos magkun, diretso na ako sa luwas antos na kan gabi. pirmi kong kakuyog pinaka arani sa akung barkada ko. kepwan ko magbisara ning oasnun nguana idi sa blog ko tanganing maisabi ko ngamin na gusto kong sabyun na hindi nila maintindyan kung unan. sagkud kaya nguana, payaba ko pa siya. nung usad a gabi, habang nagibasa ako, katext ko sya. malang ugma.. malang ugma nya.. maski abu ko nung pinagisturyan namu por del ta masanit para saku, ok lang.. kung amo kadtu kan pamaagi para magpadagos ang friendship namu, sige na lang ah!

nung gabing kadtu, pinagisturyan namu su payaba nya. masanit kamo. pero sabi ninra kung payaba mo kuno, gigibun mo ngamin para mapogma sya. d, amo su ginibo ko. umantos pa sa puntong inunga ko sya kung aram o nasbyan na nya kadtung tong kadtu kung gonu nya kadi kapayaba.. kauluy na kuno.. haay.. inunga ko pa sya kung kayun pa bang iba? sabi ko kaya sa kanya, since nakita ko kung gonu nya kapayabi su to, tatabangan ko xa.. pero idto lang sa tong kadto.. dat, pwede lang akong mag reconsider kung makita ku gilayun kadtung paryung paypayaba kadtu para sa iba namang to.. aram nyo kung unan sabi? na uda naman kuno iba, na kung magkakayun man magibuwelta kuno sya sa mga dati nya! lupig pa akong kinasta! malang sanit! sabi ninra, the best things in life are free.. sakto man talaga.. ponu, maski gonu man ang pirak na maitabrug ko para sanya, inding indi na talaga sya pwedeng maging saku.. uda xa pagpayaba sa ku.. maski pinaksaday na tyansa, uda talaga. so, unan pa magibu ko.. payaba ko su to.. haaay!

sana ugma, pagbuwat ko sa turugan ko, mauda na ngamin na namamatyan ko sanya..

counting..

i cant write lately. not that i dont want to but im so out of words to punch and topics to pick.. i think im not myself anymore.. dont even know if it has something to do with my being sober for 5 days 10 hours and 31 minutes (still counting..)

as ordered by the CHED, our classes will resume on the 15th because of the H1N1 scare. we still went to the university though.. and since we are in agreement not to drink alcoholic beverages anymore except on weekends and special occasions, we had a pitcher of iced tea as a replacement for the regular beer.. so wholesome and BORING! we are not used to that kind of fun. sorry, it wasnt fun at all!

together with my besfriend, i went to SM to spend the rest of my spare time. grabbed some coke floats and fries and had smoke in mcdonalds.. after a few minutes, the same crowd in the piazza was again reunited, in the hope that there might pop an idea of "let's-have-some-fun-tohight!" and so.. we ended in the pavillion.

the beer might be tempting but i managed to stay on track.. they wanted to drink.. i cant do anything about that. the justification? technically, the semester havent started yet so they considered it as a weekend! lol. besides, if i would not allow them, i cant talk to them for a week! this time, since all of them will be drinking, the one who will be punished will be the one who never commited an infraction!

i only stayed in the pavillion for about 30 minutes or less. dropped by in the supermarket to buy some groceries, a short road trip around the city, then i am home..

pretend..

should a friend ask you one small favor, one favor to pretend that you care, what would you say? downright insulting isn't it? BUT, you know what, i once asked this to a friend and you know what i got in response? one plain "ok."! hurt, i asked my friend again another favor, this time i said: "will you please pretend that you wont be pretending?"

you dont need the highest mental capacity to understand what these words really mean.. caring, being a variant of loving, doesnt need to think.. they only feel.. and a sincere person will never find it a normal favor to ask for.. instead, it's as good as an insult! hearing someone answer positively on such a favor makes me wonder on my friend's sincerity.. to think that i have been so trusting and open.. and it is so frustrating.. believe me.. i even cried when i received his reply..

i am so technical. i admit it.. i even lost my job just on mere technicality.. but it is me..

on that same day, he asked sorry.. who am i not to forgive right? we're okay now..

trusting god..

sometimes we experience frustrations in our life. we believe we're on track, trusting god and ourselves, yet things dont work out. we have false starts and stops. the door refuses to swing wide open..

we may wonder if god has abandoned us, or doesn't care.. we may not understand where we're going, or what our direction is..

then one day we see: the reason we didn't get what we wanted was because god has something much better planned for us.

today, i will practice patience.. i will ask, and trust, my Higher Power to send me His best..

melody beattie, the language of letting go
daily meditations for codependents

the promise..

at the pavillion yesterday, i decided not to attend my criminal law class after 2 bottles of beer.. but on my 3rd bottle something happened that pissed me off.. i have a friend who resort to slashing her wrists when she is in pain or if there is something bothering her.. i really can't get any logic there so right from the start, she knew i dont tolerate it. i knew she have problems.. tried to talk to her but she only gave me a hug.. we're not really that close so i really can't push her to confide.. when i noticed her get the blade hidden in her cell, i immediately told her to get rid of it.. she insisted.. so i told the rest of the group to get it from her.. she was persuaded.. after a while, she went to the bathroom.. we decided to check her cell to see if the blade was still there.. it was gone. then she went out with her blouse adorned with some drops of blood.. she was smiling though.. i excused myself.. went to the customer service desk and asked the lady-in-charge to phone me a cab.. i need to get out of there.. being the oldest among the group, i felt so helpless.. angry..

i went directly to piazza to have some cups of brewed coffee.. need to compose myself.. after a while, i was back on track.. im a bit tipsy but still kickin.. the group decided not to attend the class so we spent the rest of the supposed-class-hours drinking and singing in the music box..

i dont know if it was only because of my tipsyness that made me promise that i would be giving up my drinking starting next week.. i hope i can live by that promise.. im crossing my fingers.. after all, it wasnt a bad one.. now im making it official..

I AM NOT DRINKING ANYMORE.

mawnin!

been a while..

been a while.. after the party, i was so lost.. had a fight with my bestfriend, some night outs with friends, the world war III that ive predicted, and of course the random visits of some ghosts in my past.. these are the things that's been eating me for the past few days.. plus, of course, law school.. every day that i failed to post an article here made my day less exciting.. or should i say, incomplete..

next week is the start of the new school year.. though technically, we didnt had any summer break because of CRILAW, i am still excited to see some new faces.. the crowd.. the noise..

today il be going to pavillion.. my friends invited me to go swimming but since i still have classes i will just be staying there and spend the afternoon watching them enjoy.. i still have a lot of things to read.. i hope the ambience later will help me digest the topics for today..

mawnin fellahz!