fateful morning

these pictures were taken today, December 17, 2009. An accident occured just in front of the building where i stay..

the commotion started..

the firemen responded just in time...

as well as the medical team..

as the fire ablaze in front of my eyes, i felt the grief of the victims as they helplessly watch their properties burn..




















in total, 18 houses were destroyed.

wasted but happy..

i would want to freeze and remember this moment for as long as my brains can handle..

other than being my friend, he's not, in any way, related to me intimately.. i dont even care if he doesnt know, i dont intend, in the first place, to make a formal announcement for that matter! :-)

i went home 4am drunk, but definitely smilin!

pressure again and again..

pressures doesn't seem to end in law school.. the first semester had been a hell of a struggle and now, the second semester is again ongoing.. we haven't even had our sembreak! the only consolation that we all have is the possible hope that someday there will be back pays! lol

right from the start, we were all warned that law school is and will never be easy. we all took the challenge but that doesnt mean we are no longer entitled to the right to complain from time to time.. i mean, helloo? we can only take the maximum and nothing more..

i am not complaining because i can't cope. i just wanted to feel that i am still a normal person.. there hasn't been much fun lately. just as they say, if you want something, you will never escape trading another thing for that. in my case, my social life.. good thing that on my early months in law school i have managed to party and study at the same time. i guess i couldn't do that any longer.. as we level up, it's getting a lot harder and stressful. cases seem to jumble in my head and since we already have knowledge of some laws, confusion get into play.

haizt! im missing my happy-go-lucky life before.. those times when i can watch a marathon of movies as i want.. those times when i can still go to sleep without any worry when i wake up the following day.. those times when fun is forever..

again, it's all wishful thinking now. :-(

relive..

yesterday, elyang had this self-help article with her when she went to school about handling a relationship or being happy.. dont really know the entirety of what it's all about but when she offered it to me, i refused to read it. not that its a piece of crap but i just dont want to pattern my life in accordance with a f0ur-paged-article.

we are all entitled to or own opinions.. and its evident that elyang and i don't share the same viewpoint in the matter.. nonetheless, she will always be a friend.

it has been a natural occurrence in the life every man to regret, in one way or another, those things which he shouldn't have done or the chances he failed to grab.. in the same token that for one reason or another, we all would wish to relive and redo everything as much as possible. others would even attempt to end his life in the hope of a possible rebirth.

life's mystery is endless.. those self-help programs may be effective for now but tomorrow or in the next couple of hours, it may not be..

turning tables around..

if others doesn't get the way you think or hates how you reacts, let them be or else you'll be in the same spot as they are.. understand even if others fail to do the same... then let's just pray altogether for their bereaved soul.. if love moves in mysterious ways, death comes in many forms..

losing a friend is painful but having them thru compromise, i think, is a lot worse. for a friendship coupled with a compromise is no friendship at all..

gone were the days of amicable settlements and compromises.. its now the era of eliminating excesses and throwing all the leftovers and craps into the recycle bin.. maybe there they would be a lot helpful.. lol

this is lost soul reconstructed, now signing in..

being mean..

i dont intend to be so mean, but i cant help it. sometimes, no matter how i try, the words seemed so elementary to spell out that it automatically spills in my mouth in an instant! thinking has been one of my asset, as they say, and some would even tell me that i am so caring and all, but just yesterday, everything seemed to be a joke to me. i laughed at somebody else's misery and even made a joke to someone who wanted to make an attempt to end his life..

a doctor told me once that being the "shock absorber" of the group as well as of my other friends, i am in the worst position ever.. and he pitied me for that.. do i deserve to be? i dont think so.. i even consider it a privilege on my part to be trusted with all of their secrets ad personal endeavors.. it's a hard gained thing that some person do not experience having..

but how come that the most trusted lost soul became the meanest adviser? i dont really know.. maybe im just so damn tactful of the fact that once you did something wrong, whoever you are, you will never gain a bit of my sympathy. no exceptions!

of course, this is not to say that it would be the end of the friendship. its not it.. i just dont want you to hear the words that you wanted. i am not your mother who can forgive or understand every infraction that u make, i am a friend who will never back off in telling you the things that you need to hear and the lessons that you need to realize.

this is me. take it or leave it.

enlighten me..

"..if there's smoke, there's fire.."

this is just a part of a text message i received from a friend.. relax, the message was not really for me, it was for my friend but he forwarded it to me in the hope of any advice that i can give to him in the problem he was facing.

the scenario encompasses many issues.. honesty, love, trust, and the principle of joy in not knowing..

honesty.. as always, this has been the major reason why relationships fail. more often than not, people tend to be overconfident with love alone, thinking that anything can be fixed in just a click of a finger when love sets in.. apparently, love wasn't that functional in the case at bar. for the poor soul was not able to stand the pain of a wrecked heart..

from the standpoint of the person betrayed, a realization that everything in their relationship were all lies was fixed. he loved with all his heart and believed in every detail the other party told.. i will not say that it is crafted, but as it sounded in the circumstances detailed by both parties, it's getting close to that point. plans were ruined, the love that was supposed to give him the happy ending that he was searching for ended with a love that never was..

as of now, he makes fun out of it. thinking that maybe, just maybe, had the fact remained undisclosed or unknown to him would make him feel otherwise.. nonetheless, it's all wishful thinking now.

the erring party, on the other hand, raises a defense of ignorance and lack of trust. that everything the other person knew, was just a plot made by a third party to personally ruin his image and destroy the relationship in the process..

now, who deserves my sympathy?

tired..

when we stop doing something, it's the point that we start to do the most tiring job that nobody wishes to be hired.. this is one of those things that whatever attempt we make into not falling in the trap, it just happens.. as if we are all bound to be in that place and time.. however brief that moment is, the tiredness is incomparable.. sometimes we're not even aware that we are already in such a situation.. all we know is that we feel so damn wasted and realize that we havent even done anything for the whole day!

PresUMPtion anD'The ASSupmtion..

presumptions and assumptions do not share the same definition.. but people oftentimes equate both words to be synonymous.. im not sure. it may even be that im the only person to that "people" word.. lol

after i graduated in college and earned a degree in AB Political Science, i worked in a non-voice business process outsourcing company.. though my degree is way far unconnected with the job, i managed to bear the pressure for almost two years.. in that company, we only adhere to one simple rule. NEVER ASSUME. the job is mainly on documents.. organizing, analysis and a lot of encoding (titles, authors, recipients, copyees, dates, etc..). in every project, we follow a different set of specification, from the capitalization down to the minutest details. again, in every project, its a must that we DONT ASSUME. there are never any PRESUMPTION. the issue of whether or not the specification has errors are never entertained. do what the client tells you to do, and give what the client needs. period.

when i entered law school, everything changed. the way we deal with cases is oftentimes equated with a certain PRESUMPTION that in the absence of any evidence or legal basis that may outweigh it, the presumption still stands. as matter of fact, assumptions, in a way of a proposition, may even strengthen your defense. dot dot dot? lol

am i making any sense? i dont really care. i dont even know why the hell i am writing about this stuff. lol

walk away..

love is, and will always be, full of ambiguity. it's not a thing or an emotion or a relationship that is boxed and patterned to follow a single path and direction. every bit of the letter, from the moment one tried to define or even spell it, creates an additional path jumbled with the existing conventional ones..

we often think that love is something we should not suppress. i once was a fan to that. now, im inclined to believe the other way.

this is not to say that what i have been relying into for the last two decades of my life was a complete waste. something in me, would like to admit that i am still open for reconsideration. but as of now, i am dealing with it differently.. and testimonies of some friends somehow made me feel i am doing the right thing.. as they say, anything extraordinary is a waste of time.

we have heard stories of people, who from being friends or bestfriends have managed to level up. and by level up i mean clothing them a different personality -- this time not as friends but as lovers. this scenario is not novel anymore.. but i opt not to take my chance. not because i fear rejection but because of equity. id rather walk away from the friendship than to let myself drown in love that can never be possibly mine.. id rather lose him than to lose track of my being.. id rather cut the crap than be a crap!

sellout...

"for all we know, some of them aren't the way we perceive them to be.."

we all have what-we-so-called friends, companions, enemies, loved ones, and the rest, simply acquaintances.. however, the expectation that may come out of such an encounter will always vary and most of the time, although not a generalization, disappointing! some of you may have experienced a real friendship that bloom out of just a simple "hi-hello" to a stranger seated right beside you on the plane or a bus in one of your trips.. others might narrate how painful it was for a friendship that end out with a betrayal.. for some, things may have wonderfully preserved the relationship but for the rest, maybe by now they are already on the guessing game on the how(s), the when(s), the what(s), the where(s), and the why(s) such intimacy suddenly metamorphosed into coldness and incompatibility..

the worth of something as sweet as friendship is always a variable. in mathematics, it is that which does not have any quantitative value.. for this, it can be said that such is also a gamble.. for all we know, some of them aren't the way we perceive them to be.. in law school or in political science, there is this animal called prostitution of politics, where the ought to be trusted government official uses their power for personal gratification and motives.. somehow, friendship is like that.. the user and one "used", the abused and the abuser, the fake and the genuine..

what's my point? one word. B-E-W-A-R-E!

:-)

i just broke a record. so far, i have not had a lustful encounter for almost 2 weeks! lol

i guess it has something to do with the "busyness" of everybody nowadays.. although literally, there's been a couple of invites, i have managed to say "I CAN'T".. and i love myself for that!

i wanted change.. and i know it can't be that gradual.. but god dammit, im trying! and trying a LOT harder.. considering the coldness on this past rainy days.. :-)

update. i have backed out from the moot court competition. my other colleague can no longer find time for this stuff because of her hectic work schedule and workloads, so i don't have any other option but to back out as well.. i'm not saying that i am surrendering to such an exciting mental combat.. it's just that i dont want to work with people i dislike..

other than that, everything is routinary, of course with the exception of my "extracurricular activities"..

i am loving the rain!

...

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haizt! im bored.

a new day..

as been repeatedly said, there shall always be sunshine after the rain.. although technically, the rain hasnt stopped yet and typhoon pepeng seemed to like passing the philippines, this time i must say, i am feeling better.

tragedies happen. that's part of our existence. the underlying principle that can make us strong lies from this.. i am not saying that we should be happy everytime these tragedies came but it's always so rewarding to, from time to time, focus on the brighter side. we have witnessed so much loss when "ondoy" visited us, but we have also seen a lot of bravery and courage.. generousity and heroism.

in times like this, we always find ways to reconstruct and reconfigure the broken pieces.. at times when you feel like you are being left out, there will always be a magical helping hand that will pull you out from the oblivion.. and more often than not, the person you never expected to be there will be the person whom you will be indebted for the rest of your life..

i know this post may not seem to be ME, as i have always been very vocal of my pessimism. let me be.. i am wrecked by what had happened but i am also touched by the things that i have been witnessing for the past days. i guess, we all have the right to be emotional (in a positive way) from time to time..

hope. let's not allow destiny to take this away from our hands.. out of our hearts.. out of our lives.. completely.

gud day fellahs!

in pain..

im in pain again.. i guess pain and me will never be separated anymore..

last night, i immediately went home after a mental torture from law school. i was so tired that i really wanted a rest as early as possible.. when i reached home, i ate my dinner as i watched a local program in the TV.. before i was able to finish my dinner, my partner went home with some groceries.. maybe because i was damn tired that night that i subconsciously ignored his presence.. before i knew it, he told me in a very crispy tone:

"ANG KAPAL NG MUKHA MO!..."

now i know how painful this phrase can be.. never imagined that i will be hearing this line uttered for me.. i wanted to fight back but i know it would do me no good.. instead, i turned off my laptop, went to the balcony and lighted a cigarette.. i stayed there for hours, trying to get some comfort from the cold breeze..

im sorry if i am tired! im sorry if i wasnt able to fix your stuffs! im sorry if im such a loser! im sorry if i cant be the perfect partner that i can be! im sorry, ok?! sigh

reminiscing..

ive been out lately.. looking for some setbacks and friends that may accompany me in my boring hours..

i admit, im very sensitive in my dealings with my friends.. but i always end up loving them more.. as they say, the more you put emotions and deal with them like normal people should do and feel, there will always be positive results.. let them know your angry and let them know you feel being left out.. of course, at first, there will be deafening silence.. sooner or later you'll see..

im missing lots of friends right now.. some in bicol, some in manila, others in cebu.. how i wish i still have the luxury of time to travel and visit them once in a while.. but i dont. and that what makes it worst.

just hours ago, i had a conversation with one of my closest friend-officemate in cathay pacific. this is where i used to work before, as a passenger service agent. God! i miss that job! after i left cebu in 2007 and settled here in bcd to pursue law school, i visited them only ONCE! and that "once" ended up in a matter of 10 hours!

now let me talk about night hunter.. i think its about time that i increase the number of casts here.. lol

another admission, i was not the best agent in CX before, it was, night hunter.. a graduate of a catholic school.. an achiever in his own right. he had some training with an airline when we trained for cathay pacific so he was literally on top of the class.. i do not belong to the bottom line though.. we would always be in the same team.. when problems came, we would always rush to him for an explanation, and with his magical clicks, viola! solved!

i have been an admirer ever since, but as what i have said in my previous posts, i am so cautious with my actuations, so he doesnt have any idea.. maybe by now, there will be no more secrecy on that one! lol peace night hunter!

great monday fellahs!

laftym..

lemme give you another ice breaker..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVxrb4248W4

grace under pressure..

i dont know if i can handle the things i have voluntarily accepted, in line with my academic schedules.. for now, i can breath from the pressures of the midterm exams but the sigh is not yet a relief.. it's refreshingly mind-freeing effect is somehow hangin' and inchoate.

i was supposed to digest a moot court problem of Prosecutor v. Wiseman but needless to say, its undone.. unfinished, i should say.. it's facts was so boring that i felt i was reading a history book! damn! i hate history subjects! sorry for those history lovers who gets a lot of satisfaction reading the dates and events of the past. its a personal analysis.. its sooo downright boring on my part.

so now, i would want to challenge myself.

I WONT BE HAVING MY REST TONIGHT UNLESS I'M FINISHED WITH MY CASE BRIEF.

why? why not!

booze

september 2. its a personally declared holiday every year, as this day happen to be the birth of an asshole, me! lol but sine we still have a midterm exam in criminal procedures, i have to attend to my academic schedules first.. after another tiring and excruciating day, it's time to partee!

we spent the whole night in cafe breizh. started @ 9pm and we ended @ 4 am. as i write, i am still drunk.. lol. thanks for my nurse bestfriend who gave me some meds to somehow lessen my hangover! at any rate, I AM HAPPY..

to all those who came to celebrate with me, thanks..

love y'all!

juan tamad..

since i started this blog, i have somehow gained additional "prospective" friends.. coz basically, i havent had any chance of meeting them yet and personally measure their sincerity.. nonetheless, im positively happy.. i dont want to entertain those fuckers for now who cant think of anything to say other than criticize somebody else's work. they are not worth my time. at any rate, thanks for reading my post!

there hasnt been much "fun" lately.. i am trapped in the volumes of books and cases that i have wonderfully stacked up, both in my computer and in my shelf.. sad to say, it remains untouched. did i heard "time management"? what the heck was that? please enlighten me.. hahaha

today, its criminal procedure again. as usual, not in the mood. i cant even recall the last time that i have been so in touch or should i say, so interested with my law subjects.. im drastically falling apart.. im loosing my enthusiasm.. though overly hungry for knowledge, same has been succumbed by my laziness.. its overpowering and dominating my life!

this time, i need divine intervention. i need to get back on track..

a little laugh..

watch this guys, ayos! hahaha i know makakarelate ung ibang tao jan! hahahaha

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2eSDD7ZeIM

motion for recon..

please.. this is me begging..

last night, i received a text message from one of my circle of friends.. she's thinking of going home and continue law school there. the primary reason, as it was the only reason stated in the message, was because she's missing her family..

as much as i dont want to deprive you of your happiness, let this post be my humble way of making you think, if you have thought of this the nth time, a little more.. and not a little less. this is my motion for reconsideration!

whatever your decision is, we will be respectful of that. just bear in mind that we are just here for you.. do whatever you think will make you happy.. should you really feel that as a consequence of badly missing your family, you might not be as focused as you are now in law school, go.. but surely, we will be missing our bunso..

honestly, i am really praying that the txt message i received last night is just a plain joke.. lol so im begging for you and im praying for bro! please make it happen!

gud day fellahs!

beer ops

right after our labor standards subject, rakistah, ms. late comer and i went to punta taytay to spend the afternoon. the beer ops was scheduled to start at 7pm so we still have 4hours to waste..

at about 7:15 pm, we left the resort, dropped by in my boarding house for a quick bath and went to the beer ops.. beer ops by the way is an income generating activity by the bar ops mobilization committee in line with the forthcoming bar exams this September.

although there were some frustrations, it was fun. at 3am, im home..

party mood..

today is merriment day.. clear all your thoughts with all the intricacies of jurisprudence.. do away with your stressful law books.. and lets just be happy!

we all needed a break.. although practically, i have been stealing mine over our law subjects this past few days.. told you.. im bad! lol

that's all for now fellahs! updates after the partee!!

the worst curse scenario..

i have always been a fan of exaggeration and since there are no rules on grammar and sentence construction here in my freedom wall, i would like to qualify the word, in application to my attitude, being an oversensitive jackass!

of course, in line with such a statement, i would want to narrate my thoughts.. although this is not to say that this should be taken as a definite fact, please reconsider..

being in law school demands a huge amount of effort, time and analysis.. i guess this may explain it.. i sometimes tend to overly criticize just about anything.. from the words being uttered.. the messages being sent.. the arguments being presented.. and the acts done including the antecedent circumstances and the subsequent events thereafter..

similarly, i am a bit pessimist myself.. as ive said in some of my posts, im hopeful but never hoping.. in any problem that i have encountered i always try to deal with it negatively.. i know i may sound judgmental in a way but i have always loved the feeling of complete honesty that goes with negativity.. lemme put it this way, if i dont react negatively, i wont be able to get what i wanted as a reply.. from the words of logan, i dont want to be clouded by the beauty of endearing words. id rather be in the worst case scenario. the crispiness of the curses.. the sincerity in anger.. that's what i wanted to hear!

still puzzled? me too! lol

absent.

as i write this post, the whole class is undergoing a mental torture under our criminal procedure subject.. i wasnt able to reach my reading quota so i decided not to attend the class anymore. instead, i went to the library, read a couple of chapters, then here i am! lol. its not that i am afraid of the questions nor am i afraid to be shamed in front of my classmates but moreso for myself.. i dont want to deal on the matter though.. its a personal commitment.. and quite obviously, im failing to live by them..

right after lunch, i went to the library to return the book i borrowed, photocopied reviewers from buninay (i left mine at home) and i stayed in the office of my new friend for a short chit chat.. had coffee in bobs and pave my "so long".. for now, i dont have a pseudonym for him yet.. il think about it.. hehehe

first things first. i am not good, perfectly.. a number of friends have asked me why but i choose not to tell.. im not in my tell-it-all state of mind.. my life has been an open book but this time, i wanna invoke my privacy rights.. hehehe.. who knows, everything will be back to the way they used to.. besides the issue is still inchoate..

for those who had been trying to elucidate something from me, in the slightest hope that i might pop up an information, patawad po.. im also trying not to be persuaded.. for now.. lol

gud eve fellahs!

mad.

i wanted to grow back young.. back to the age when a single choco peanut can magically erase, like a pixie dust, all my problems and worries.. back when every single bite was a heavenly treat! how i wish peter pan would appear in front of me as i write this post and bring me to neverland! i would die for it!

again, im not in my normal self. i have successfully deceived the people around me into making them believe i am happy.. honestly, i am not. with the hope for comfort, i had a dose of my fave childhood candy.. but the magic was gone.

im mad. need i write more?

regrets...

lemme tell you something..

all the wonderful as well as those self destructing puzzles life has been giving us only proves one thing.. we are still alive. the joy will never be complete without these things.. vague as it may seem, there had been numerous write ups on the matter. gather all the foci and remain focused. period. i know, im not in the best position to say this.. but hey, im trying ok?! lol

more often than not, we feel trapped. betrayed. isolated. but we fail to realize that it is our very own self that led us there.

we suffer because we choose to suffer.. we are alone because we opt to detach ourselves.. we curse because we choose not to understand..

you might be wondering why im saying this things.. i know it contradicts my previous posts.. emotions.. thats what it is. as boys describes it.. climate change! hahaha

everday, we are bombarded with different kinds of issues. some are good, others are bad.. in legal writing, specifically case digests, there are always issues that needs to be properly stated and resolved depending on the subject matter. as a certain case may be applicable in civil law, criminal law or political law.. these issues are ussually patterned in the form of a question of whether or not blah blah blah.. again, why am i saying this? wala lang! hahaha

lately, though not academic, im faced with one issue.. the issue of whether or not, i should give in. not to the authorities but to a certain request.. until now, i know you will be reading this, i still dont know the answer. pardon me but i cant just do anything without deliberating it to my friends. in the first place, i myself, was also adopted by them. and i dont want to spoil my inheritance! hahaha. kidding aside, i dont want to loose them. if talking to you would mean me being hated, im sorry. but should they grant me the privilege, u can expect my call..

good day fellahs!

mixed emotions

sometimes, things happen so fast that our mechanisms control every bit of our being.. subconsciously, we do things we don't normally do and we'll just be surprised to find ourselves lying half-dead beside a cliff..

sometimes, we find relief in cursing.. in sarcasms.. every little letter, music!

sometimes, we want to blame others not just for the injuries and the loss but moreso for the pains.. the heartaches.. the sobs..

this time, can we not, even just for once, magnify the same? a little bolder. and worst!

palagpat..

i should be writing a legal article about a comparison between the Maceda Law as contradistinguished from the Recto Law now but my mind is battling on pondering other things. i give up. maybe after this i can work on what i ought to do.. hopefully. lol

been in a great storm lately. along with the constant pouring of rain is the piling up of my problems. i am struggling so to speak. good thing i have the best support group in the world - my friends! cheesy, i know.. but who cares?

somehow, things are slowly getting back to normal but the aftermath is a bit dreadful.. now it boils down to the question of going home and losing them or staying here, with them, and losing my chance of escape, or should i say my liberty.. its not that i am detained or something. i dont even need a writ of habeas corpus for that matter.. its just that i feel im missing something out.

i miss my previous jobs.. the work loads.. the not so lucrative salary.. i even miss going out in the middle of the night just to buy anything i dont even need.. i miss the park and waste a reasonable time doing nothing.. i miss them all..

lets just say i started stopping..

the pain finally set in.. i love him but i need some air.. a mind of my own.. a thing for myself..

when i decided to leave my family and rediscover the other side of life, i know someday, there will be regrets.. im 23 that time. a document analyst trying to cope up with the pressures of a not so ideal job.. i have a girlfriend who, by that time, happen to be taking her 2nd year in law school.. i have friends.. not so established.. but at least we ALL are not.. until suddenly, i woke up one morning, lying in a different bed, with a different residence, without my family, and all alone.

i have oftentimes wondered why and how the hell did i ever agreed in such a proposal. until now i cant still figure it out. maybe its the fear.. or maybe its just plain immaturity. either way, i am now suffering the consequences.

the other night, i wanted to party. hug my friends. see my best friend. and kill myself.

good thing, my mother called on the very moment. indeed, a motherly heart knows when her child is in pain..

for everything that happened, especially on the way i acted, to elyang, rakistah, ms late comer, officer miga, buninay, and best, thank you and my apologies..

to misaki, salamat.. what you did that morning was way beyond my expectation..

promdi speaking...

di ko na aram kung anong gigibuon ko sa sadiri ko.. lately, ive been trying to convince myself that im perfectly fine.. showing everybody that i am happy and worry free.. dai po. siguro, su mga tawong aram buda midbid ako asin an buhay ko, mamamalisyahan ninda ini.. but as i see it, i guess i really am a great pretender.. the fact that no one seemed to notice it.. sige na lang ah!

kading mga nakalis na anruw, since bakasyon pa man, pirmi akong nasa sa luwasan.. tambay tambay sa kung sen man makapedtu. uru-anruw, pagakatapos na pagkatapos magkun, diretso na ako sa luwas antos na kan gabi. pirmi kong kakuyog pinaka arani sa akung barkada ko. kepwan ko magbisara ning oasnun nguana idi sa blog ko tanganing maisabi ko ngamin na gusto kong sabyun na hindi nila maintindyan kung unan. sagkud kaya nguana, payaba ko pa siya. nung usad a gabi, habang nagibasa ako, katext ko sya. malang ugma.. malang ugma nya.. maski abu ko nung pinagisturyan namu por del ta masanit para saku, ok lang.. kung amo kadtu kan pamaagi para magpadagos ang friendship namu, sige na lang ah!

nung gabing kadtu, pinagisturyan namu su payaba nya. masanit kamo. pero sabi ninra kung payaba mo kuno, gigibun mo ngamin para mapogma sya. d, amo su ginibo ko. umantos pa sa puntong inunga ko sya kung aram o nasbyan na nya kadtung tong kadtu kung gonu nya kadi kapayaba.. kauluy na kuno.. haay.. inunga ko pa sya kung kayun pa bang iba? sabi ko kaya sa kanya, since nakita ko kung gonu nya kapayabi su to, tatabangan ko xa.. pero idto lang sa tong kadto.. dat, pwede lang akong mag reconsider kung makita ku gilayun kadtung paryung paypayaba kadtu para sa iba namang to.. aram nyo kung unan sabi? na uda naman kuno iba, na kung magkakayun man magibuwelta kuno sya sa mga dati nya! lupig pa akong kinasta! malang sanit! sabi ninra, the best things in life are free.. sakto man talaga.. ponu, maski gonu man ang pirak na maitabrug ko para sanya, inding indi na talaga sya pwedeng maging saku.. uda xa pagpayaba sa ku.. maski pinaksaday na tyansa, uda talaga. so, unan pa magibu ko.. payaba ko su to.. haaay!

sana ugma, pagbuwat ko sa turugan ko, mauda na ngamin na namamatyan ko sanya..

counting..

i cant write lately. not that i dont want to but im so out of words to punch and topics to pick.. i think im not myself anymore.. dont even know if it has something to do with my being sober for 5 days 10 hours and 31 minutes (still counting..)

as ordered by the CHED, our classes will resume on the 15th because of the H1N1 scare. we still went to the university though.. and since we are in agreement not to drink alcoholic beverages anymore except on weekends and special occasions, we had a pitcher of iced tea as a replacement for the regular beer.. so wholesome and BORING! we are not used to that kind of fun. sorry, it wasnt fun at all!

together with my besfriend, i went to SM to spend the rest of my spare time. grabbed some coke floats and fries and had smoke in mcdonalds.. after a few minutes, the same crowd in the piazza was again reunited, in the hope that there might pop an idea of "let's-have-some-fun-tohight!" and so.. we ended in the pavillion.

the beer might be tempting but i managed to stay on track.. they wanted to drink.. i cant do anything about that. the justification? technically, the semester havent started yet so they considered it as a weekend! lol. besides, if i would not allow them, i cant talk to them for a week! this time, since all of them will be drinking, the one who will be punished will be the one who never commited an infraction!

i only stayed in the pavillion for about 30 minutes or less. dropped by in the supermarket to buy some groceries, a short road trip around the city, then i am home..

pretend..

should a friend ask you one small favor, one favor to pretend that you care, what would you say? downright insulting isn't it? BUT, you know what, i once asked this to a friend and you know what i got in response? one plain "ok."! hurt, i asked my friend again another favor, this time i said: "will you please pretend that you wont be pretending?"

you dont need the highest mental capacity to understand what these words really mean.. caring, being a variant of loving, doesnt need to think.. they only feel.. and a sincere person will never find it a normal favor to ask for.. instead, it's as good as an insult! hearing someone answer positively on such a favor makes me wonder on my friend's sincerity.. to think that i have been so trusting and open.. and it is so frustrating.. believe me.. i even cried when i received his reply..

i am so technical. i admit it.. i even lost my job just on mere technicality.. but it is me..

on that same day, he asked sorry.. who am i not to forgive right? we're okay now..

trusting god..

sometimes we experience frustrations in our life. we believe we're on track, trusting god and ourselves, yet things dont work out. we have false starts and stops. the door refuses to swing wide open..

we may wonder if god has abandoned us, or doesn't care.. we may not understand where we're going, or what our direction is..

then one day we see: the reason we didn't get what we wanted was because god has something much better planned for us.

today, i will practice patience.. i will ask, and trust, my Higher Power to send me His best..

melody beattie, the language of letting go
daily meditations for codependents

the promise..

at the pavillion yesterday, i decided not to attend my criminal law class after 2 bottles of beer.. but on my 3rd bottle something happened that pissed me off.. i have a friend who resort to slashing her wrists when she is in pain or if there is something bothering her.. i really can't get any logic there so right from the start, she knew i dont tolerate it. i knew she have problems.. tried to talk to her but she only gave me a hug.. we're not really that close so i really can't push her to confide.. when i noticed her get the blade hidden in her cell, i immediately told her to get rid of it.. she insisted.. so i told the rest of the group to get it from her.. she was persuaded.. after a while, she went to the bathroom.. we decided to check her cell to see if the blade was still there.. it was gone. then she went out with her blouse adorned with some drops of blood.. she was smiling though.. i excused myself.. went to the customer service desk and asked the lady-in-charge to phone me a cab.. i need to get out of there.. being the oldest among the group, i felt so helpless.. angry..

i went directly to piazza to have some cups of brewed coffee.. need to compose myself.. after a while, i was back on track.. im a bit tipsy but still kickin.. the group decided not to attend the class so we spent the rest of the supposed-class-hours drinking and singing in the music box..

i dont know if it was only because of my tipsyness that made me promise that i would be giving up my drinking starting next week.. i hope i can live by that promise.. im crossing my fingers.. after all, it wasnt a bad one.. now im making it official..

I AM NOT DRINKING ANYMORE.

mawnin!

been a while..

been a while.. after the party, i was so lost.. had a fight with my bestfriend, some night outs with friends, the world war III that ive predicted, and of course the random visits of some ghosts in my past.. these are the things that's been eating me for the past few days.. plus, of course, law school.. every day that i failed to post an article here made my day less exciting.. or should i say, incomplete..

next week is the start of the new school year.. though technically, we didnt had any summer break because of CRILAW, i am still excited to see some new faces.. the crowd.. the noise..

today il be going to pavillion.. my friends invited me to go swimming but since i still have classes i will just be staying there and spend the afternoon watching them enjoy.. i still have a lot of things to read.. i hope the ambience later will help me digest the topics for today..

mawnin fellahz!

the party and the parting..

the party was fun when it started but it ended with a teary-eyed me as i rode the taxi on my way home..

we had dinner in entings.. had some sea foods, followed by a bottle of beer.. thanks, margaha for such a delicious treat.. also in the resto were the reigning queens of the ms. earth 2009 who happen to be from this province.

after dinner we transferred in tropics bar to spend the rest of the night.. after buckets and buckets of beer, we were all drunk.. but not to the point of complete intoxication.. we still have our sanity with us.. we decided to drop by mr donut for a cup of coffee.. time check: 2:00am.

twas this time when the twist of this wonderful evening happened.. i cant elaborate on it though.. private matter.. just want to stress something out for all of you DUMBSHITS, who cant be man enough to take care of your girlfriends!

a man does not leave his girlfriend crying in a public place, worst, in a gasoline station! what kind of man would do that? the fact that ur into a fight is never an excuse! even the fact that your girl wanted you to go away can never justify you leaving her there! i may be gay but i know when and where to act manly! this is so elementary!

sorry bro but this time i cannot tolerate your acts! you never heard anything from us when you came.. we respected your privacy and welcomed you wholeheartedly for our friend. you even had our support.. you have your problems and we let it pass.. you just dont know how that felt.. last night, you prove us wrong! wrong for trying to help you with our friend.. your not worth our sympathy now.. you had your chance..

to my dear friend, wipe your tears away. he's not worth it! dont give him the privilege of seeing you in agony.. rather, make him feel that he just lost one precious gem.. smile.. move on..

psst!..

im back.. i wasnt able to post anything for two days.. not much controversy to write about.. for that im sorry.. yeah, controversies makes me wanna!! hahaha..

again, we have no classes in criminal law today.. dont know when this crilaw torture would end.. we havent finished the revised penal code yet and the enrollment for the next school year is already ongoing.. waaah! dont even know if we are to be greatful for the fact that our professor is trying to finish the course even its a bit off track and way beyond schedule or if we are to condemn him for not giving us a summer break!

we're off to party tonight.. dont know where but we will.. for the record, i will be breaking some rules tonight.. i will party without the knowledge and consent of my partner.. it has become my attitude and a personal unwritten rule to inform my partner of my whereabouts.. anyway, it's just my classmates im going with.. i want to see what's gonna happen next.. il be preparing myself for the 3rd world war when i get home..

just a while ago, rakistah and i had coffee in vienna kafeebar.. talking about his ever famous super j! that guy never fails to amaze me.. he's just sooooooo out-of-this-world! i even told my friends that i would want to have him as my personal tutor in matters of love and friendship! hahaha.. @#^@&$ *@%@&%^@%@&) ^%#@)&+_)*$*&! you know what that means? its a martian statement which means "idol!" hahaha..

ok ok.. i'll cut it now.. i might say inappropriate things should i continue.. dont want to end this blog with a lawsuit! hahaha.. gud day fellahz!

pissed off..

whats wrong with you people?!

before this post, i chatted with some old friends in the net and i received a lot of conference invitations.. please don't get hurt if people refuses to accept your invitations especially if the person your trying to invite is on a serious chat with friends! i dont intend to make an article out of this but im just pissed off with the way other people react! there is this silly person who had been sending me mean messages just for the sole reason that i declined!

as much as i dont want to have online enemies here.. im into the process of listing them ol in my drafts.. to you, "most excellent sir", fuck yourself off!

journal 5-22-09 (pm)..

after my temporary confinement in my bedroom doing nothing but chat, surf, and watch dvds, i went downstairs where the office of my partner is located.. his agents are done with their reports and are now enjoying their spare time tasting the free samples of the new alcoholic beverages of their sister company.. and so i volted in! i did not really joined them.. i picked 4 bottles before i went upstairs.. two coors light beers and two bottles of tanduay ice.. tried tanduay ice first, but since im not used to beverages other than beer, i was easily drowned by the spirit of drunkeness.. twas good.. but its not my forte..

after some minutes, the headache and the spinning was gone.. time check: 8:30pm. we went to the cinema to watch star trek.. ive seen it already but i wanted to see it again on the big screen.. it's still more exciting to watch in the moviehouses than watch it even in the home theater.. before the clock striked midnight, we were home..

im goin out today.. 1 day of confinement is enough.. cant go on a second one..

time out..

for a change, i almost tied my feet just to spend the whole day in my room.. no smoke and caffeine for today.. just me and my shih (jasper) and my laptop and some dvd's.. my eyes are tired.. been staring at my laptop's monitor and the lcd screen since 6am.. my room is adorned with empty wrappers of chips and curls.. and my shih is really loving it! he enjoys playing with them! i need a time out.. bye for now..

update..

after spending some moments alone yesterday, rakistah invited me for a drink.. after 3 bottles, elyang came to join us and we transferred to the music box just beside genesis.. ordered another round as we alternately took our turns singing.. no excuses this time.. either you sing what's in the screen or you choose your type of song.. margaha came with another round of beer and some pork and chicken barbeque.. im drunk, i admit (and so with rakistah) but the joy of the moment kept us kickin'! the group is slowly reuniting now.. for that, im happy.. surprisingly, my partner and i didnt have a verbal altercation when he fetched me from the music box.. we dropped by in the mall for some groceries and had the best sleep so far..

just hours ago, i went to my bestfriend's house.. his granny was brought to the hospital for check-up.. she's been ill for two days now.. good thing there were no complications..

somebody asked me this morning if i am into satanism in this blog.. am i? a RESOUNDING NO! its just that i can see myself in the picture.. an ultimate sinner who's been praying for forgiveness to bro.. in a way, it may be damn negative and a hell of an exaggeration.. but even the figures of speech have the "hyperbole", right? in order to maximize the impact of the statement for the readers to easily picture out..

that's all for now fellahz.. my friends are waiting for me outside.. mwah mwah mwah!!

think again..

i consumed my morning texting my bestfriend's mom and placing calls to my family in the province to check if everything is ok.. so far, there is nothing much to worry about.. my mom is under maintenance medications for her slight heart enlargement.. she's doing perfectly fine though.. thank god!

now, im alone again.. sipping a cup of black coffee, smoking the last cigars that i havent consumed last night while taking glances in my criminal law book from time to time.. though im not feeling the usual me, im managing to act normal..

lately, ive been weighing the pros and cons of not continuing law school.. maybe its because my friends are thinking the same thing.. im a bit afraid that should they decide to stop, i will again be searching for trustees to share personal problems with as well as insights on some academic matters.. i dont want to entertain the thought so much since law school is my last setback.. apart from the promises i have given to my family.. but the thought still lingers..

ive been alone for the last four to five years of my life.. and by alone i mean that during those times, i have never exposed the real me to anybody.. even to the friends i met along the way.. i never wanted to be on such a state for the second time.. now that i have finally found some friends who have been amazingly respectful and understanding about my shames and imperfections, i cant afford to loose them anymore.. i have lost a lot of treasures already.. enough!

think again.. please..

morning madness..

i dont know what to think or write today.. i woke up crying but i can't remember what my dream was.. i woke up alone in bed.. my partner is gone already.. a note told me he went to church.. my heart is beating like crazy.. something is wrong..

let me be..

i was wrong to think that the person im talking about in my previous posts didn't sensed my distance.. he's not that insensitive.. he knew me so much not to notice it..

last night he texted me.. he wanted the same old me.. told me that he missed our conversations.. the more personal ones.. not the stupid just-to-have-something-to-talk-about conversations.. i was moved, honestly.. but i wanted to be on track..

to you my friend, let me be.. just this time..not that i would want to forget about the friendship.. its not like that.. it's the last thing in my mind.. please dont get me wrong.. you told me when we last talked that you're afraid that you might not reciprocate my love.. twas not a proposal or anything, you know that, but i need to step back and establish some distance.. otherwise, i will be totally unfair to you..

i am more than happy when you told me your concerns about the "miss" part.. that sounded music in my ears.. but i wanted that the next time we meet, i can look you in the eye and tell you im no longer attracted to you.. and tell you I LOVE YOU without any meaning other than the sincerest love of a friend..

for the meantime, please bear with my one-worder-sms'..

obsessed..

i am totally in love with blogging.. hooked up.. obsessed.. whatever you call it.. i can stay forever just staring at my blog or reading other blog posts in my links.. this is all your fault buninay! lol

if only i dont run out of anything to write about, i would definitely be posting over and over til my fingers bleed! i wanted to post more and think less.. i wanted but i wont.. can't compromise friendship and the things that matter over my obsessions.. im still, so far, in my lucid interval not to cross the boundary that prohibits me from meeting face to face with my alter ego.. the insane demented "lost soul" that's been haunting me for ages..

i still wanted and prefer the sane me posting blogs here.. gudeve fellahz!

blah blah blah..

i had lunch at lord byron's.. guys, it's a must try if you're into eating baby back ribs.. the place only serves that dish of two variants but its worth it.. not so cozy and crowded, but the place must be frequented by people of class and prominence.. i was able to see some doctors and businessmen a while ago..

after lunch i dropped by at paulines for a mass card offering but they run out of it.. instead i picked a biblical verse from their bowl where you can read and relate your present life with.. here's what i picked:

"for freedom christ has set us free, stand firm, therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery". galatians 5:1

another sign, i guess.. but instead of totally detaching myself from him, we ended up meeting again. dont worry, it's a casual meet-up.. just a quick lunch for him and we stayed in a coffee shop for a round-o-talk.. im glad he never noticed my distance..

im happy now.. im getting used to the feeling.. i can say that somehow, i no longer feel affected with his whereabouts for the past few days.. thank gee-oh-dee!

step one..

i'm not sure if i would to call yesterday a happy one.. been out the whole day and so far, i haven't texted the person i'm trying to get off my system.. the only accomplishment i guess for the 17th.. i attended the sunday mass before anything and the homily gave me a little more courage.. there were lots of signs telling me that what i'm doing was right..

he texted me good morning today and since i have no reason to hate him, i replied back.. my words are meticulously chosen.. nothing that may suggest anything.. just a one-worder-sms will do.. no details.. no questions.. just plain answers.. good thing he didn't notice..

i just hope i can go on with the second step.. i dont even know what's my next move..

anxiety

if there is such a thing as the language of violence, then i would love to learn how to speak and do it.. if this is the parameter in measuring the courage of a man, then i would be willing to perfect the same.. but that would also mean that i will be battling with myself and the principles i have adopted for the last 26 years of my life..

i've been on a lot of argumentation and debates but honestly, i have never punched a man or slapped any woman in my life.. never been in a fistfight.. ever.. i am a blue-balled-coward strand in the kingdom animalia, phylum vertebrata, class mammalia, order primates, family hominidae, genus homo, species homo sapiens.. now im beginning to hate myself.

it has always been my justification that a civilized man should not step down to the level of the "UN-"men.. the UNeducated, UNdignified.. UNcivilized.. UNworthy.. UNscrupulous or UNprincipled.. UN so on! lol. slowly, im beginning to realize that although part of my justification may be morally commendable, the whole thing can be so stressful especially when my it's-ok-i-forgive-you state of mind is disgusted beyond endurance..

i wanted to shout.. to punch someone.. or even curse for that matter.. even for the first time.. maybe, just maybe, it will help extract all my emotional anxiety.. all of it! and be able to breath.. and smile.. again..

the art of letting go..

before i went to sleep last night, i convinced myself that i will be making a post about this one today.. maybe the group hasn't realized it yet that somehow, we are experiencing the same struggles right now.. of course on matters of letting go..

my group involves six (6) personas.. me being the only vampire among the lycans.. its good to be a villain from time to time.. lolz! an entrepreneur, a police, a call center agent, a singer, a late comer, and me, an asshole.. all struggling to be, someday, lawyers..

the entrepreneur.. a she. just last night we had a drink at piazza.. there was really no plan of us meeting there.. i was in the place oredy when she called and asked me where i was. she came.. damn she's hot! if only im straight, i would have married her oredy! hahaha.. we talked. she just broke up with her boyfriend.. or in the words of a comrade, her summer romance..

the police. a she. the month of april, specifically the end of april had been so harsh with this lady.. i believe she deserves an applause. though she's still on her stage of movin' on after a let go problem, she seems perfectly fine..

the call center agent. a she. a series of unfortunate events almost swallowed her whole. but little as she is, she managed to breath in the tiniest cracks and squeezed herself out of the oblivion.. the letting go part? nah.. you dont wanna know..

the singer. again, a she.. i think among us, maybe she have mastered the skill oredy.. just lately, she broke up with her ex-boyfriend who has become, sorry to tell you this, to be our object of joke and ridicule. you can't blame us, he just acted like a complete dumbshit forcing the group to hate him!

the late comer. also a she. now her story is different.. but the ending was not a happily ever after.. but happily letting go.. what could be worse than loving an insensitive jackass? oops! sorry.. dont really know the whole story.. i might be pre-judging the guy.. but that's how it sounds for me..

the asshole.. me! mine is too simple.. but so far it still is letting go.. just yesterday, before i went to piazza, i had a serious conversation with a friend.. a friend whom im afraid im gradually falling in love with.. so as early as yesterday, i had to let go of the emotional burden.. told HIM my baggage.. now im trying to free myself under such captivating potion.. slowly learning the art of letting go...

been a while since the group had a bonding time together.. i hope it will be soon..

gift..

today seems promising.. after breakfast, i got a gift from my partner.. it was an image my guardian angel.. i never knew who my guardian angel is until now.. Saint Sealtiel is the name.. the archangel of worship and contemplation.. how did i know that? i googled it! hahaha.. dont know much about him as i do with the ever famous michael-gabriel-raphael.. but i will try to get in touch with him.. sorry for the not so clear pic.. i dont have my cam here right now.. i just used my cheap cam-phone for the shot.

wanna know your guardian angel? check this page: http://www.viloria.com/viloria/adi/guardian.shtml

Here's a bit of something about St. Sealtiel that i found in my getting-to-know-my-angel stage..

St. Sealtiel continually stands before God, with incenser in hand in unceasing adoration of the Most Holy Trinity. As the Archangel of contemplation and worship, his angelic purity transforms the love and worship which we mortals give to God. We need St. Sealtiel's powerful intercession before God's throne to overcome the evils of hedonism in our day. May the evils of drug addition, sex exploitation and abortion become things of discredited past. May endless hymns of praise rise from all peoples as they chant in union with the Heavenly Choirs of Angels, in perpetual thanksgiving for God's bountiful blessings. He is known to be the angel who stopped Abraham from killing his son Isaac as a sacrifice. (Gen. 22:12)

mawnin fellahz!!

fear of not knowing..

while inside the cab on our way to mu shu last saturday night, i dont know what our topic was, i told elyang that i will be posting about the fear of not knowing.. it was only today that i remembered it.. while trying to organize my thoughts in line with such an argument, i asked myself over and over.. weighing between the fears and the joys of not knowing.. makes sense right?

should we settle in hearing the truth that will definitely be hurtful or will it be more convenient to just ignore our intuition and embrace what our naked eyes and our uncomplicated understanding would want us to believe?

for one mature person, this question is too easy.. but for a childish-paranoid-sinful-masochist-blogger, le'me think first..

ok.. im done..

surprisingly, i found one best way to answer it.. all you have to to is list all your self-definitions.. just about any word, be it a noun or an adjective, which you can associate with.. (just like what i wrote about me in the preceding pars..) and voila! you've got yourself an answer!

truth is painful.. pain is my happiness.. i am a masochist. how complex is that? we all have different personalities.. and distinct as we are, we all have our own ways to respond.. of course its a matter of analysis.. case to case basis.. but i dont want a too complicated blog to start my day.. for now im gonna stick to my definitions.. i dont want to wage war against my worst enemy.. ME!

mawnin!

behind blue eyes..

elyang told me about this song from Limp Bizkit..
i fell in love with it the moment i read the lyrics.. suits me!

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
And no one knows
What it's like to be hated
To be fated to telling only lies

[Chorus:]
But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like i do, and i blame you!
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

[Chorus]

Discover l.i.m.p. say it [x4]
No one knows what its like
To be mistreated, to be defeated
Behind blue eyes
No one knows how to say
That they're sorry and don't worry
I'm not telling lies

[Chorus]

No one knows what its like
To be the bad man, to be the sad man
Behind blue eyes..

night outs..

in my world, people are strong.. they bleed.. but they don't cry.. they suffer.. but they don't curse.. they fall.. but they always rise and continue struggling.. they love.. and never.. less..

in our eyes, some people are just spices of life.. some are rarity.. while others are pain in the ass.. we always try to distinguish people as to how they look, how much they cost, how far they have gone and how brainiac he/she is.. you know what's the first thing that comes to my mind when i think of these? the waste segregation program! hahaha.. next tym miss, check yourself first before you try asking me bout who my friends are in such a classic note of underestimation while your eyebrows are raised to the heavens! milady, ive been to your place and i think i should be the one questioning you where have all your cookies gone?? or should i say, was it even there in the first place? im sorry guys, it just pisses me off.. i met this lady, who i thought was a well mannered friend last friday night when i was out with some friends.. i dont choose my friends here bitch.. for as long as you dont do drugs, you dont do crimes, and possesses a little drama of "MANNER".. we're good to go..

other than that, my friday was good.. videoke and beers with my bestfriend and his buddies.. by the way, thanks mak! we ended our session at 5am and i went home at 8am.. my head's spinnin! need a rest.. i still have another session to attend that night..

saturday.. after dinner in piazza, we went to cafe breizh.. we were one of the first customers of the bar.. my clock reads 10pm.. ordered some salad, fries and beers then started the night of fun.. we invited mr. busted who have just arrived mountaineering.. we noticed that the crowd is packed with oldies.. major emergency!!! hahaha this should not be! we transferred to mu shu bar.. the place was sooooo crowded.. luckily, my bestfriend saw some of his friends and offered us a place to sit.. love it.. i should be here often.. lol.. by 4am we ate noodles in chowking before we separated ways..

the rest? history! hahaha

day off..

i am appealing from your humble benevolence, some time to rest.. i really am in need of that right now.. i can't think.. i can still smell beer flowing in my veins.. im sleepy.. later, i still have another drinking session to attend to.. let me write about it tomorrow or maybe some other time.. as of now, let me have my day off..

dont get me wrong..

while waiting for my partner in the parking area of a certain mall here in bcd the other night, the car parked right beside ours caught my attention.. posted in front of the car was a sticker which reads: JESUS IS ENOUGH FOR ME.. i am a man of sayings and of quotes that everytime i come across one, i always make it a point that i do understand what it means and negate, even in my mind, if such is objectionable..

im not really that spiritual but i do attend sunday masses.. i can't even say that im morally upright because i am not.. this is no news for everybody.. but to say that such line suits me would be me in the peak of my hypocrisy.. wait wait wait.. don't get me wrong.. let me explain..

i dont want to pollute your minds into thinking that we need to detach ourselves with jesus.. this is not my point here.. it's just that "enough" is such a powerful word to use in such a line.. we need jesus.. this i cannot rebut.. but to rely solely on jesus is way different.. in fact, unacceptable.. even a 2nd grader knows the famous saying "do ur best and god will do the rest.." (nasa diyos ang awa, nasa tao ang gawa).. yes, god is merciful.. but god is also just.. he only answers the prayers of those who deserves his mercy.. his blessings.. god gave us intelligence and wisdom so that we may have the tool in solving our own problems.. when all else fails, then that's the time we pray for his intervention.. isn't that more spiritually and morally logical?

maybe, if i have come across or heard this line from a poor yet happy and contented man, maybe it would have given me a different interpretation.. but seeing this line posted in front of a car parked inside a mall seemed to be a bit misplaced..

just a thought..

p.s. - again, everything i say here is of my personal view which, i believe, i am entitled to.. should you have any opposition, FEEL FREE to make your OWN blog.. signing up is also FEE - FREE! hahaha!
mawnin fellahz!

when the going gets boring..

..the bored gets fucked up!..

(05062009. 1900hrs.)

im alone.. still here in piazza sitting in the same spot like yesterday and the days before that.. im done with crap thinking.. done with wasting my time with sticks of cigarettes and with cups of cheap brewed coffees.. though the place is a bit crowded, i cannot see any familiar face to talk with.. cinemas are not an option either.. saw all of the movies being showed for the week.. ive been reading the revised penal code the whole afternoon but the words have mutated oredy.. they all seem french now.. i am so bored, so to speak..

where have all my peers gone? hellooo.. (echoes..)

i need a talk.. a decent one.

crap thinking..

in our discussion in criminal law, our judge-professor quoted a line from joseph nobels (or nobles) . he said "a lie repeated over and over becomes a truth..." it made me think.. maybe our prof even noticed me staring blankly at the white board while trying to grasp the meaning of what he just said that he asked me a question.. thank god i was able to repond.. though my answer was of no legal basis, it was nonetheless correctly accepted.. whew!

now back to the quote. basing on that premise, it would logically give us the presumption that somehow, a truth can never be truth per se.. since lie or falsity may magically metamorphose into a fact as stated.. in the legal world, there is this animal called the judicial truth as contra-distinguished from a universally accepted one..

should the wordings be interchanged, would that mean something? lolz! not debatable i guess.. what the heck am i blabbing about!

i have already posted an article saying me living in a world of lies.. i am still in that world.. only a handful of people knew that the webs i have wonderfully crafted to fit the outside world are bogus.. does that mean that my repitition of such lies would somehow make me truthful as what the line implies? very funny! hahaha! now a sinner may turn into a saint by being a sinner all his life!

i never knew, even a hint for that matter, that crap thinking can be so damn philosophical! readers, give it a try.. it's fun! lol..

wasted? nahh..!

a day before yesterday, my bestfriend went partying with an old friend.. they finished their drinking session so early.. and by early i mean early morning on the following day.. 5am to be definite.. by midnight he's mom has been texting me o'redy.. and since i went to bed early that night, i responded to her in the morning.. i assured her that my bestfriend is o'ryt and there's nothing to worry about..

yesterday i had this conversation with his mom.. she's concerned by the way his son has been acting this past few weeks.. she can sense that something might be bothering him.. lately, she complains that my bestfriend is always drunk and frequently sleeps somewhere else.. a motherly concern.. and so, as his closest friend, i need to act on the matter..

i am relieved that my bestfriend told me that we are just overreacting.. that he's perfectly fine.. that he's just trying to enjoy his being unemployed for the meantime.. he's a registered nurse by the way.. just finished his volunteering work.. so he's scouting for permanent employment.. whew!

then, another round-o-talk.. this time, about elyang.. she's entangled in a situation where a normal woman would want to give up once faced with the scenario.. but she remained strong.. so strong that i wasn't able to utter any word of advice for her.. personally, i would choose to play and track the other way.. her way of thinking was of such a magnitude that i can't even picture myself doing the same thing she did.. for this, i salute you..

at the end of the day, i was so happy.. not because of the problems that my friends are facing but because a lot of people cling on my wisdom.. twas this time i felt that i am appreciated.. that somehow, what i say counts.. and being relied upon.. my life is not that wasted afte all..

ka-ta-nga-han

4th of may. today is different.. honestly, i'm not o'ryt.. there's this fear in me and the denial that goes with it in loosing a person i have come to love.. as i have said, im overly stupid and surprisingly flexible.. i even consider myself a masochist of some sort.. pain is my happiness..

honestly, this post doesn't talk of me alone.. it involves some persons and the personifications we have made out of our very own doings.. thus, the title.. Ka-ta-nga-han is a noun which means lacking in intelligence or exhibiting the quality of having been done by someone lacking in intelligence.. you know who you are and the intricacies of your problems.. I CAN'T HELP YOU THIS TIME.. how i wish i can elaborate on this matter.. i know you will figure it all out..

to someone out there i am the beloved, hurt me.. castigate me.. fuck me! my senses have become numb.. my consciousness refuses to believe the existence of pain and suffering.. it's as if evrything is on their charged counterparts.. you deconstructed my thoughts.. my emotions.. my definitions.. i have mutated.. now, im a fucked up dumbshit.. but im starting to like the feeling! lol..

AND TO SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO THINKS SHE'S SO DAMN PRETTY AND SMART, how dare you insinuate that i shall tolerate a diabolic act of insolence from a mere SCRAP of humanity like you! and if you'll insist on such accusations i will be obliged to summon all my powers to pulverize you!! hahaha.. YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHEN KARMA WILL HIT YOU..

mawnin fellahz!

journal 4-2-3-09

again, sorry.. i haven't had any time to post an article yesterday.. i was out the whole day visiting friends and scouting for puppies.. besides, there is nothing so cool to write about.. been home based the day before that..

the 3rd of may was great.. we went to la carlotta to visit a classmate-friend.. she invited me to come for their pasasalamat festival.. since it was my first time, my partner and i had to make use of the services of the company driver to drive for us.. we went to la carlotta early in the morning thinking that there will be lots of scheduled activities and celebrations which, like any other festivities, would normally start in the morning.. but there was none. it was a rainy pasasalamat.. the city doesn't even look like they're having a festival.. needless to say, yes we were frustrated.. instead, we went to ed's kennel to check their rots..

after lunch, we went to silay to check on another puppy.. this time, an american bulldog.. they were soooo cute.. we have decided to buy one girl puppy and today is the scheduled pickup.. that one excites me..

by the way, right before we went to church, i went to an optical clinic to check on my eyes.. the machine gave an analysis that i have a problem so i need to undergo a manual check up.. thank god i still have a 20/20 vision.. i can now wear my contacts! hahaha

mawnin fellahs!

feast of st. "ME"..

i woke up early.. its labor day.. as early as 9:45am there were already rallyists marching on the streets of bcd.. the march was so long that i had to get out of the taxi and walk my way up to the mall.. since the mall opens at 10am, i stayed in pietro kaffee for a cup of coffee.. there were so many jobless people as early as i am.. sad reality.. but i dont want to dwell with it.. those topics are for the students of marx, lenin and mao.. i don't want to compete with them.. i'm not armed with the technical words of a socialist..

the job fair was so crowded.. i checked on the companies but i can't find a better one for me.. i want to have a job but i don't want to compromise my study.. almost all of the companies who joined the job fair are mall affiliates. there's no way i can still continue law school if that's the case..

my bestfriend joined me for lunch in chicken deli.. a brief fun at the arcade.. then some fries and floats in mcdo for snacks.. this time, some of his friends are with us..

then one funny thing happened. a call.. it was mr. chatmate.. he told me he wanted to hear my voice.. he was horny.. i told him i can't talk to him with such a topic 'coz im outside eating with my friends.. that i am sitting in one small table with them and there's no way i can tell him anything! and guys, you know what he did?? my bestfriend could attest to this.. he jacked off while i was talking with him! waaaaaaaah!

at 4:30pm i went to piazza.. im meeting elyang there.. she wasnt around yet so i first posted my "end of april" blog.. we talked about our friends.. our friendship.. about me.. and about her.. i found out she was not o'ryt..

by the way, there's something i need to apologize for..

first for what i have promised yesterday about me writing something about elyang.. i cant and i wont anymore.. please understand me as much as i understand elyang.. she's not o'ryt and i dont want to do anything that may aggravate the whole situation..

second, i want to apologize to you elyang.. i know i am to be blamed partly.. i dont want to discuss the details.. we all know that.. maybe, just maybe.. you won't be as bothered as you are now if not for my playful mind.. im dead serious about this.. my apologies..

i promised i will not be dealing with topics that might complicate things.. let it be that way.. i respect my friends as they have been respectful of me.. if u want to read entertainment, don't look for it here.. check your magazines instead.. mwah mwah mwah!

the rest is ancient history.. BOoORING! lol

end of april..

extraordinary day.. not that something unusual happened.. matter of fact, there was none.. making it a little extraordinary..

as usual, i went to the local mall where i spent my boring hours wasting money for some cheap brewed coffees.. texted my friends.. zero availability. went to the salon and had my nails cleaned and back to the same coffee shop to drown myself with caffeine and nicotine..

time check: 3:30pm. i still have two hours to waste before my class in criminal law starts.. then, a ring.. its jaypee.. rakistah's ex.. the call wasn't meant for me.. he needs to talk to his ex through me.. im mr. congeniality, you know.. i cant afford to totally hate a person no matter how grave his offenses..

before the class started, another ring.. another man.. this time, elyang's "i-dont-know-how-to-call-it" love affair.. lol. been wanting to write something about them but their relationship was some kind of a mixture of everything that i don't even know where to start.. someday, i will.. i promise.. dont worry, i already have elyang's consent.. hehehe..

have a great night fellahs!

the aftermath..

the 29th was relieving.. as rakistah described it in her text message, a good meal.. a good laugh.. a bottle of beer.. and a strongly-coping friendship..

we went to kubo sa lawn for our dinner in search for a new environment.. a new ambiance.. and weren't disappointed that we felt the need to order a round-o-beer after dinner. we never planned of drinking there but the place was so inviting that we can't resist..

the friendship is in a "coping" status.. but so far, so good.. there were still some minor issues that bothers some but there were words of assurance.. i once said in one of my accounts in the net that people make their best speeches when they're angry.. now i'm inclined to rebut the same. people, too, can make a helluva speech and utterances when trying to patch things that matters.. that sometimes the best speeches may not be always themed with rudeness.. with negativity.. with anger.. i know, these are the topics that most of us read.. the topics that sell.. but it woudn't hurt to listen to the views of an optimistic once in a while.. to those who says "there is a way out.." without any mental reservation..

good day fellahs!

a tribute..

funny how we meet people in our lives and be surprised that through such brief encounters, the person we're shaking hands with today will become the best friend all of us has been longing to find..

after we transferred here in bcd, i had the opportunity to get to know this guy from a common friend who happened to be on a vacation here. after one great day of partying, we exchanged digits.. and since he's my first local friend, we started going out on a daily basis! we often call the mall here our home. arcade is our common denominator.. coffee shops are our home bases -- mocha for him, brewed for me.. (i do have lactose intolerance so i dont drink, as much as possible, coffees with milk or cream.. otherwise, the oval office will be my next stop!lol)

of course, everything can't be as easy as do re mi.. for one reason or another, we lost communication for about 4 or 5 months.. tried contacting him but it seemed like he changed his number.. out of service..

in the meantime, i took up the admission exam in law school.. passed it.. and started schooling.. until i received a text message from him one day. he needed my help.. i told him to meet me up in a coffee shop just in front of the university where i study. i come to know about his problem and i never doubted on helping him.. the friendship continued.. we became best friends..

for you this post may be another piece-o-shit, but i feel the need to write about it though.. we may have had bad times together.. we may have had some altercations but it doesnt change the fact that he is my bestfriend.. the first person in my life who have accepted me for who i am despite my imperfection.. the only person who had the courage to slap my face and kick my butt when im acting like a complete asshole..

as early as now, should my bestfriend be reading this..

T H A N K Y O U ! !

..and so our story goes..

random thoughts..

im alone again.. my friends are gone.. some to party.. others went home..

now i know that writing, too, can't be forced.. lol. bin sitting in front of this computer but i haven't had any idea to write about.

we were supposed to have a criminal law class tonight, but one of my classmates texted me that he was informed by our prof's clerk of court that judge cannot meet us.. fuck! to think i have rushed to the library to borrow the revised penal code!

by the way.. elyang, i hate you! hahahah (joke!) wanna know why?

(whispering: she checked my bag and told me that my perfume is his cousin's car air freshener! huhuhu... now im constrained to use it and forced to change it.. more huhu.. )

juz kidding.. luv u elyang! enjoy the partee!

on love and friendship..

WE CANNOT FORCE OURSELVES TO BE HAPPY.

this is what i have learned yesterday. sometimes, our body feels what the rest of the day is gonna be like or how our day will gonna end like.

our class started @ 530pm. fiscal was on time. after the reports, we were supposed to have a long quiz, but she changed her mind. no more final exams!

should be fun right?

so, we went to the park and our nbi agent comrade treated us a round of beer and an hour at the music box!

again, should be fun right??

it was supposed to be.. but it wasn't.. we tried singing danceable songs to make the room a bit lively but it didn't worked. maybe it has something to do with the problem that my other friends are facing right now. we have decided not to talk about it anymore and since it basically involves the two of them alone, we'll let them do the ironing.. this should and could not affect, in any manner, the friendship that we all treasure.. subjective, i know. im hopeful.

...it is not a question of our differences.. not even with our mistakes, but rather with our principles that we can finally resolve and come up.. hopefully, with the most taken for granted word.. peace! i really cant remember where in hell have i memorized this line or from what book or film or author that i come to type those statement.. but its not mine, surely.. lol

after about 30mins in the music box, i left. went to a local mall to meet my partner.. went to the parking area to leave my things inside his car.. we bought medicines for his maintenance and vitamins and the twilight book series..

we went home at about 9pm and while inside the car, him driving, he began complaining.. that i don't appreciate everything he does.. that he cannot feel that i care for him.. that he cannot feel anything from me.. even a consolation at all! that i should cater not only my friends' needs but also his'! that, i am.. aaaaahhh! enough!

i reasoned out. but when he began raising his voice, i stopped. closed my eyes and listened to every word he uttered.. i cried silently.. my tears were overflowing. but t'was alright. used to those words..

we're home. silence.

do re mi..

good monday mawnin guys!

back to law school matters again.. my group is scheduled to report on canon 5 of the code of judicial conduct this aftee.. so no mind-puzzling posts for today.. just plain legal comprehension and basic memorization..

il get back to those issues tomorrow..

show me your nail marks..

i am not feeling well and i dont have anything in my mind to write. just had my breakfast and the televised mass just ended.. im not yet in the mood to watch anything other than the mass. it has become a routine for me every sundays.. right after the mass the priest said:

"we have been forgiven.. because we are called to forgive.. we have been blessed.. because we are called to be a blessing for others.. on the judgment day, He will say.. show me your nail marks.."

i received a text message. something is wrong with my friends right now. cant write about it though. im not in the position to comment or make any statement about it. i might be misunderstood.. im hopeful.. i know this is just the part of the story where the character have to face the worst problem in his life and eventually, like a magical rain, solutions will pour!

however, i am reserving my right, as your friend, to call for peace and settle things amicably! we are all degree holders here.. and professionals as you are, i know you both can compromise..

mawnin guys! peace be with you..

diary. 4-24-25-09.

right after i posted "realization" i was relieved. i was able to smile again. blogging so far have been effective for me. and since last night was a blast, i want to write "lite". dont even know if there is such a word as lite writing! lol

last night i partied twice. first with my friends, rakistah, elyang and buninay and then with an old friend, bryan.. two separate occasions.. two distinct genres.. the first was spiced by musical talebearing while the other was spiced with ginseng and strawberries! lol.. now you're laughing!

first stop. music box.

after 3 bottles of san mig lights and a truckload of chitchatting about this and that, were done. on a regular basis, it's more than enough to make my day. plus the fact that i dont have a single law book in my hands! in our group, only rakistah can sing. the rest, including me, cant. but we sing! just because you cant doesnt mean you shoudnt, right? besides we are paying customers!

we separated ways at about 9pm since buninay has to report for work to leave work. confused? she brought 3 copies of resignation letters with her which she prepared just before we started drinking. buninay is the youngest in the group.. also a struggling law student.. an AB PolSci degree holder and a PhD in blogging! lol

second stop. "home sweet home".

played with my shih, jasper.. prepared their (i also have a rot, achilles) food.. ate dinner.. checked my mails.. made some calls.. chatted with some cyber friends.. BOOORING! my bestfriend is with a crowd so he cant give me company tonight. instead, i called bryan and asked if he's free. i heard a "yes".

third stop. panaad.

though i am not really familiar with the places here in bacolod, i managed to reached panaad alone @ past midnight. i saw my bestfriend and a classmate in law school.. bry and i met at the stadium.. we stayed in himamaylan booth where he ate his midnight snacks. beer for me. the booth started to become crowded because of the presence of himamaylan's candidate for the lin-ay sang negros. we transferred to the pulupandan booth and continued our drinking spree. the booth closed past 3am.

final stop. goldenfield.

luckily, MO2 is still open. our motto last night or this morning: "till we drop!"