the aftermath..

the 29th was relieving.. as rakistah described it in her text message, a good meal.. a good laugh.. a bottle of beer.. and a strongly-coping friendship..

we went to kubo sa lawn for our dinner in search for a new environment.. a new ambiance.. and weren't disappointed that we felt the need to order a round-o-beer after dinner. we never planned of drinking there but the place was so inviting that we can't resist..

the friendship is in a "coping" status.. but so far, so good.. there were still some minor issues that bothers some but there were words of assurance.. i once said in one of my accounts in the net that people make their best speeches when they're angry.. now i'm inclined to rebut the same. people, too, can make a helluva speech and utterances when trying to patch things that matters.. that sometimes the best speeches may not be always themed with rudeness.. with negativity.. with anger.. i know, these are the topics that most of us read.. the topics that sell.. but it woudn't hurt to listen to the views of an optimistic once in a while.. to those who says "there is a way out.." without any mental reservation..

good day fellahs!

a tribute..

funny how we meet people in our lives and be surprised that through such brief encounters, the person we're shaking hands with today will become the best friend all of us has been longing to find..

after we transferred here in bcd, i had the opportunity to get to know this guy from a common friend who happened to be on a vacation here. after one great day of partying, we exchanged digits.. and since he's my first local friend, we started going out on a daily basis! we often call the mall here our home. arcade is our common denominator.. coffee shops are our home bases -- mocha for him, brewed for me.. (i do have lactose intolerance so i dont drink, as much as possible, coffees with milk or cream.. otherwise, the oval office will be my next stop!lol)

of course, everything can't be as easy as do re mi.. for one reason or another, we lost communication for about 4 or 5 months.. tried contacting him but it seemed like he changed his number.. out of service..

in the meantime, i took up the admission exam in law school.. passed it.. and started schooling.. until i received a text message from him one day. he needed my help.. i told him to meet me up in a coffee shop just in front of the university where i study. i come to know about his problem and i never doubted on helping him.. the friendship continued.. we became best friends..

for you this post may be another piece-o-shit, but i feel the need to write about it though.. we may have had bad times together.. we may have had some altercations but it doesnt change the fact that he is my bestfriend.. the first person in my life who have accepted me for who i am despite my imperfection.. the only person who had the courage to slap my face and kick my butt when im acting like a complete asshole..

as early as now, should my bestfriend be reading this..

T H A N K Y O U ! !

..and so our story goes..

random thoughts..

im alone again.. my friends are gone.. some to party.. others went home..

now i know that writing, too, can't be forced.. lol. bin sitting in front of this computer but i haven't had any idea to write about.

we were supposed to have a criminal law class tonight, but one of my classmates texted me that he was informed by our prof's clerk of court that judge cannot meet us.. fuck! to think i have rushed to the library to borrow the revised penal code!

by the way.. elyang, i hate you! hahahah (joke!) wanna know why?

(whispering: she checked my bag and told me that my perfume is his cousin's car air freshener! huhuhu... now im constrained to use it and forced to change it.. more huhu.. )

juz kidding.. luv u elyang! enjoy the partee!

on love and friendship..

WE CANNOT FORCE OURSELVES TO BE HAPPY.

this is what i have learned yesterday. sometimes, our body feels what the rest of the day is gonna be like or how our day will gonna end like.

our class started @ 530pm. fiscal was on time. after the reports, we were supposed to have a long quiz, but she changed her mind. no more final exams!

should be fun right?

so, we went to the park and our nbi agent comrade treated us a round of beer and an hour at the music box!

again, should be fun right??

it was supposed to be.. but it wasn't.. we tried singing danceable songs to make the room a bit lively but it didn't worked. maybe it has something to do with the problem that my other friends are facing right now. we have decided not to talk about it anymore and since it basically involves the two of them alone, we'll let them do the ironing.. this should and could not affect, in any manner, the friendship that we all treasure.. subjective, i know. im hopeful.

...it is not a question of our differences.. not even with our mistakes, but rather with our principles that we can finally resolve and come up.. hopefully, with the most taken for granted word.. peace! i really cant remember where in hell have i memorized this line or from what book or film or author that i come to type those statement.. but its not mine, surely.. lol

after about 30mins in the music box, i left. went to a local mall to meet my partner.. went to the parking area to leave my things inside his car.. we bought medicines for his maintenance and vitamins and the twilight book series..

we went home at about 9pm and while inside the car, him driving, he began complaining.. that i don't appreciate everything he does.. that he cannot feel that i care for him.. that he cannot feel anything from me.. even a consolation at all! that i should cater not only my friends' needs but also his'! that, i am.. aaaaahhh! enough!

i reasoned out. but when he began raising his voice, i stopped. closed my eyes and listened to every word he uttered.. i cried silently.. my tears were overflowing. but t'was alright. used to those words..

we're home. silence.

do re mi..

good monday mawnin guys!

back to law school matters again.. my group is scheduled to report on canon 5 of the code of judicial conduct this aftee.. so no mind-puzzling posts for today.. just plain legal comprehension and basic memorization..

il get back to those issues tomorrow..

show me your nail marks..

i am not feeling well and i dont have anything in my mind to write. just had my breakfast and the televised mass just ended.. im not yet in the mood to watch anything other than the mass. it has become a routine for me every sundays.. right after the mass the priest said:

"we have been forgiven.. because we are called to forgive.. we have been blessed.. because we are called to be a blessing for others.. on the judgment day, He will say.. show me your nail marks.."

i received a text message. something is wrong with my friends right now. cant write about it though. im not in the position to comment or make any statement about it. i might be misunderstood.. im hopeful.. i know this is just the part of the story where the character have to face the worst problem in his life and eventually, like a magical rain, solutions will pour!

however, i am reserving my right, as your friend, to call for peace and settle things amicably! we are all degree holders here.. and professionals as you are, i know you both can compromise..

mawnin guys! peace be with you..

diary. 4-24-25-09.

right after i posted "realization" i was relieved. i was able to smile again. blogging so far have been effective for me. and since last night was a blast, i want to write "lite". dont even know if there is such a word as lite writing! lol

last night i partied twice. first with my friends, rakistah, elyang and buninay and then with an old friend, bryan.. two separate occasions.. two distinct genres.. the first was spiced by musical talebearing while the other was spiced with ginseng and strawberries! lol.. now you're laughing!

first stop. music box.

after 3 bottles of san mig lights and a truckload of chitchatting about this and that, were done. on a regular basis, it's more than enough to make my day. plus the fact that i dont have a single law book in my hands! in our group, only rakistah can sing. the rest, including me, cant. but we sing! just because you cant doesnt mean you shoudnt, right? besides we are paying customers!

we separated ways at about 9pm since buninay has to report for work to leave work. confused? she brought 3 copies of resignation letters with her which she prepared just before we started drinking. buninay is the youngest in the group.. also a struggling law student.. an AB PolSci degree holder and a PhD in blogging! lol

second stop. "home sweet home".

played with my shih, jasper.. prepared their (i also have a rot, achilles) food.. ate dinner.. checked my mails.. made some calls.. chatted with some cyber friends.. BOOORING! my bestfriend is with a crowd so he cant give me company tonight. instead, i called bryan and asked if he's free. i heard a "yes".

third stop. panaad.

though i am not really familiar with the places here in bacolod, i managed to reached panaad alone @ past midnight. i saw my bestfriend and a classmate in law school.. bry and i met at the stadium.. we stayed in himamaylan booth where he ate his midnight snacks. beer for me. the booth started to become crowded because of the presence of himamaylan's candidate for the lin-ay sang negros. we transferred to the pulupandan booth and continued our drinking spree. the booth closed past 3am.

final stop. goldenfield.

luckily, MO2 is still open. our motto last night or this morning: "till we drop!"

realization..

i know i know, i posted an article just hours ago.. but it's my blog right? i have the privilege of doing what i want with it!

along with this post is a commitment or better yet, a resolution which i avow to strictly impose to myself starting today. nobody said anything that resolutions must only be made on new years..

just after i posted the blog preceding this, i made a realization. this is the only time that i have scrutinized my actuations since i was admitted in law school. how far have i gone? how bad have i been? and how did i come to be so fucking stupid? yeah.. stupid is the word!

after my lunch i stayed in pietro kaffee where i posted my "tell me" article. then shortly after i published it, i felt emptiness.. there was a deafening silence.. slowly engulfing my whole being! that's when i started to think and ponder. but like every commodity, there will always be scarcity. i crave for more answers.. i gave up! but then the thought continue to bother me even as i ride the taxi going to the park where i shall meet my friends.. apparently they are not yet here so i continued thinking.. until..

it dawned upon me.. i am what i am today because i allowed myself to become one. i have already told you in my previos blogs that i am a pleaser. and its my greatest vice. so far, there is no one to blame but me and me alone! thus my resolution(s):

firstly, I'M DONE HELPING EVERYBODY!

not that i will no longer do any effort at all but i want to be acquainted with the virtue of abstinence. dont help unless asked. mother theresa once said: "if you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one." i guess its about time that i live with such words..

secondly, I'M DONE PLEASING EVERYBODY!

not that i fear of rejection but its been the primary reason why i feel so fucked up! this time around i would want to be more self centered, highly possessive and practical to the nth power! this time i promise to pamper myself with the things i want.. and the things i need.. and the things i used to take for granted and just give away. no more excuses. either a need or a plain want of luxury, i should have it! this time id be rude for others and more lenient for myself.

thirdly, and the most important of all,
I'M DONE ACTING LIKE A JERK FOR EVERYBODY.

you cannot fool me anymore. it's time that i get what i deserve. im done with all the giving and forgiving.. this time i want to see you do something for me.. and tell me in your own ways that i am appreciated.. that i am also loved.. that i am not mistaken for caring so much about you.. that i can cling on you, whenever.. wherever.. this time i want to you to prove me wrong!

i know this post will not reach to the person concerned in this blog since i never give him/her my link.. but i am hoping.. and i think it wouldn't hurt if i generally address this to everybody..

peace fellahs!

tell me..

..frustrated, i went home with my bestfriend with his two buddies. for one reason or another, i dont feel like talking to any of them. they know im not in my mood. they tried to lighten me up. doesn't work. my bestfriend is seated right beside me but never spoke a word. not a single one..

last night, my classmates in law school and i went to Panaad, a local festivity in Negros Occidental showcasing all the wonders of every city and municipality of the province or as they call it, the mother of all festivals. since my bestfriend wanted us to have some sort of a bonding time together on the duration of the festival, I brought him with me. my classmates won't be staying late so we can make use of the remaining time together.

we had dinner in the booth of Isabela. Talaba.. Grilled blue marlin.. Lagaw.. Sinigang na isda.. chicken.. such a wonderful start for one great promising night! everything seemed perfectly fine. touring the whole place is like touring the whole province!

since beer is a common denominator for us, we stayed in the Bago booth to obey our thirsts. my bestfriend's buddies arrived. then it rained! Rakistah is supposed to jam with the band onstage. the partying was cut short and my classmates bid their goodbyes. then my bestfriend asked me, "will you be joining us?" whaaaaaaaaat? now im irritated. we came to panaad together. it's as if we only met inside the festival area! am i being too paranoid? now it's only the four of us left. not in the mood o'redy.. the rain is still pouring. i focused my attention on my cell and my smoke.. one after the other.. untill eventually, the rain stopped.

we transferred to the stadium and since i can no longer stand the feeling, i need to escape. i excused myself and told them i'l be going home already. my bestfriend wanted to walk me to the jeepney terminal but i insisted otherwise. then he called on my cell directing me to wait up.

frustrated, i went home with my bestfriend with his two buddies. for one reason or another, i dont feel like talking to any of them. im not angry with them. i dont have any right whatsoever to be angry in the first place. they know im not in my mood. they tried to lighten me up. doesn't work. my bestfriend is seated right beside me but never spoke a word. not a single one..

when we reached downtown, i told my bestfriend that i will be going to Lacson St. to buy some beer. T'was an implied invitation but he didn't get it. instead, he just told me to take care. arrrrrrgh! i hurriedly walked accross the road and rode a taxi, bought some beers and went home.

now tell me..

AM BEING TOO PARANOID OR AM I BEING TOO IDEALISTIC?

ps. my bestfriend will always be my bestfriend. im sticking to it!

just a thought..

for once in your life, have you ever wondered why things happen to you and you don't even know why? that sometimes even without any effort, all your stars have wonderfully aligned themselves in their places.. in such a way that you will wonder whether it be luck or just a good karma? or have you ever cursed life that even how much you tried, everything seems to be such a mess?

maybe for some, who happened to be around when gee-o-dee showered a gift of good life, doesn't have to wonder about this things.. lucky them!

but for those, including me, who happened to be wandering around and unaware of such an event, i know you're feeling the same thing as i am. why did "bro" created such a scheme that others need to be so lucky while the rest need to kick their asses to cope up..

le'me get this straight first, i am not an atheist. i do believe in HIM and this blog may sound a complaint but i still have trust in Him.. i just can't help but wonder.

when i browsed the net last night, i checked on what's been happening about my friends and my classmates from elementary down to college.. honestly, i felt happy for what they have achieved but i also felt this weird feeling of asking myself WHY? why can't i be successful as them? mind you, i am good in justifying things but i can't give one good justification to rebut my feelings.. i may not be the smartest and the most talented man alive but hey, i know i am better than some of them! hahaha.. if you never felt this kind of feeling, im trading my life with yours!!

ok ok ok.. everything here is debatable.. but i'm sticking to the element of subjectivity in every argument. you may have other views but as they say, respect begets.

my point is:

I ENVY THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE LUCKY ENOUGH TO WIN IN THE DIVINE AND GENETIC LOTTERY!

peace fellahs!!

confession 2

you might be wondering who i am and what i look like. i only have one line to answer that..

I'M NOT WHO YOU THINK I AM.

i grew up in a small town in the bicol province, raised by a very traditional parents and have lived a lifestyle of a middle class family.

after 20 years, i managed to live up to their expectations. Tried almost all the means available to please them. But as they say, no person can forever be happy living in the dictates of others, in my case, my parents.

I am an achiever, or should i say a pleaser. That's why i dont want to be so close to anybody because i cant stand the urge of pleasing him/her. especially those whom i dearly love.. even up to the point of losing just about anything. from money, down to my pride, NAME IT! I CAN GIVE IT ALL! YOU DONT EVEN HAVE TO ASK!

Then i met this man who have showed me how to love unconditionally. thus my confession 1 post..

its been four years since i met him and we both want to count more. we transferred residence in cebu and stayed there for more than two years. thereafter, we transferred here in bacolod. this is when i tried to pursue my law degree and luckily, managed to pass the admission.

as what ive said, IM NOT WHO YOU THINK I AM.

maybe you are thinking i'm no less ordinary.. maybe... for some...

truth is:

i am a "HE", loving another "HE"...

waiting..

my flight bound to bacolod is scheduled to depart at 630pm. so, here i am trying to do something a bit productive while waiting in MCIAA.

i am preparing myself for the stress that law school will again give me for the next few weeks.. im hoping we can finish all our final exams before May.. Im hopeful, but never hoping.. hahaha.. still have legal ethics and criminal law II to get through before i can proceed to the next level.

there are still words left unsaid.. secrects that are still wrapped in a lovely veil and kept for the last 26 years of my life.. but dont you worry.. ill cope up with my absences and write those stuffs.. soon.

for now, since i would want that this vacation will be fun and stress free, i dont want to think of those. no tears for now.. not a drop.. i should be happy..

waiting lounge..

currently at the mactan cebu international airport while waiting for the boarding call for my flight to caticlan. thanks to the generosity of smart bro in putting two sets of computers to provide the needy passengers on their internet craves! otherwise, wouldnt be posting this blog.. i didnt bring my laptop with me coz i dont want any hassles to ruin tmy vacation..

enough for now fellahs.. somebody wants to make use of the computer.. hehehe..

vacation leave

i will be out for a week staring tomorrow..
be back next week..

bags, check!
plane ticket, check!
hotel accommodations, check!

just want to treat myself a week without worries..
i really need this vacation badly!

gudbye for now bcd..
bora and cebu here i come!!!

exam day..

after staying up reading late last nyt, i woke up at 5am..
need a lot to read yet.. my final exams in civil law is
scheduled today..
im hopeful though..

I WILL PASS THE EXAMINATIONS! hahaha

sorry guys, the phrase i just typed i not debatable,
no arguments will be entertained..

mawnin!!!!

the sign..

i was supposed to commit another mistake today.
i was supposed to meet somebody purely to gratify my lustful desires,
but time did not permit us.

the meet up was canceled.

as a result, i end up reading my law book for my exam tomorrow.
it was a sign, i guess..

financially, not rich but i can cope up.
i have a partner who have been giving me unconditional love..
i have friends who loves me for who i am and not just for what i
can give them..

but here i am, jeopardizing the sweet life i have
that as far as i can tell, most people desires..
maybe im just way too adventurous
that i can no longer control my line of thinking..

i am supposed to be well trimmed and proper
considering that im struggling to enter the legal profession
where only those with the highest moral standards are accepted.
but it will defeat the purpose of this, my FREEDOM BOARD..
i can tell you what im not but i will only be fooling myself, not you.

im thankful that somehow, though i really prepared for the meet up,
it was canceled.. haleluia!

p.s. this article does not speak any promise that i wont be
doing it again if time permits! hahaha..

cheers fellahs!

confession 1

now lets deal with the basics first..
i am living in a world of lies..
from my parents down to my acquaintances,
they know NOTHING about me.
although a bit exaggerated, it is true.
i have left my family for just one reason:

I LOVED.

i have done the supreme sacrifice of leaving everything i
have cared so much just to be with the person i love,

parents and siblings not excluded.

now you might be thinking that im the
WORST person in the world.. its ok..
i have considered myself one.. way before.. up to now..

three long years. that's how long i have detached myself to my family..
until my father died. i shouldn't be crying right? I AM TO BLAME.
but i can still feel. i still bleed. after three years, i went home with my father dead.
now who said every family reunion is damn so happy?

easter

in line with the easter celebration,
as early as 4 am,
i was already cooking pasta for my partner's family outing..
that is how i love him..
he never asked me to cook for them..
my act was unsolicited..
but i need to..
for him.

the relationship we have is no ordinary..
like others, we are one of those who are not really accepted by our very conventional society..
but its no big deal.
i love him.. and im damn sure that my partner feels the same..
that's all that matters right?

happy easter to all!!

disclaimer

i am no writer.

i am creating this blog basically for myself..
as a way to finally relieve every drop of my frustrations, as well as my successes.

i don't need readers, and it goes without saying that

I WON'T BE NEEDING YOUR COMMENTS!

this will be my freedom board, so no rules for sentence construction!

don't get me wrong. i am not that bad. just need to set the rules as early as now.